Don't worry - It's just me.

Sad day...

My MBP has died. Poor Bobo. Bobo took a little tumble from about a foot and a half, and now LCD is a goner. It would cost not a whole lot more to fix it, than it would to get a new MBP. I’ve been a week without it, heavily relying on my iPhone for moat things, and I am finally ante-ing up and going to the Apple store tonight to get a new baby. Any new name suggestions?

why am i always the best friend and never the girlfriend?

other people joke how they are going to be the ‘27 dresses’ girl. i’m not joking - i’m convinced that this is my future.

thought vomit post.

i think that i’ve found my new passion in life.

and i hope i’m not saying this too soon, or putting a jinx on it or anything, just by putting it out there.

as some of you guys know, i have recently stopped dancing. for years, dance was what I loved to do. if i could have done it 90% of all of my time, I would have been very content with my life. at one point i was even going to have dancing be my career. dance teacher/coach.

as a junior, when i was contemplating what my major was going to be when I started college i knew what it was - Dance.

i don’t know exactly when it was when i secretly started to resent dancing and what it had done to me. i don’t know if it was the terrible coach that broke my spirits my last year of high school. or if it was even earlier than that with injuries. or all the drama involved in it. it was no longer “omg, i can’t wait for dance practice/competition” and turned into “maybe i just won’t go today. i don’t like it anymore.” i was an officer 3 of the 4 years i was on my high school team, and captain for 2. i knew that i wasn’t the greatest dancer of the bunch, and i knew that if this was something that i wanted to pursue for the rest of my life i’d have to work for it. and work damn hard too. that didn’t deter me. i lived to dance. i knew that was what i was meant to do.

maybe it wasn’t one singular thing that made me dislike what i had once loved. maybe it was all of them culminating in this mountain of distain in my brain.

all i know is that as i was picking my college classes for my very first semester, i was contemplating the dance curriculum. Jazz: awesome, love it, great. conditioning: no one really likes it….a necessary evil in any sport. ballet: not my favorite, but i’ll do. gyrokinesis: ehhhhh, maybe it’ll be a love-hate relationship. little did i know that i would not like a single class. sure the people, for the most part, were great. but dancing so many hours a week… it made me look harder. why wasn’t i enjoying it? i should be enjoying it! this was my life goal! it was finally coming to realization. but alas, hatrid. (did i really just use the word ‘alas’?)

second semester rolls around, and i decide to only do one dance class and concentrate on my general ed classes. jazz II. something that I was good at, and i would have friends in my class. snapshot today: halfway through semester and it is no longer in my schedule, instead a big fat D…dropped. i’ve stopped. not even taking a pick up class.  not even screwing around with movement in my kitchen anymore. every once in a while i still see if my flexibility is still there. high kick, hat level…check. splits, both sides…check. pirouettes…check. it’s all still there. why? it should be gone by now, I haven’t done anything in about a month.

one of my friends from college did the same, for almost the same reason. i’m not unique, or crazy. this happens more than i thought. or are we just the only two who had prolonged their passions past their due date?

doubt. was it the right decision to quit? why do i doubt now? i was so sure then that it was the right decision for me. wait. was i being selfish? thinking that just because i wasn’t happy doing it that i shouldn’t let down everyone else…the choreographer’s whose pieces i had dropped out of…my jazz professor whom i loved…the mean ballet professor who had given me the ‘you just have to try harder and you’ll really be something’ speech…my parents who had funneled all this money for years into my training…all of my coaches in the past who had spent their time teaching me… why didn’t i think of it like this before?

terrible.

i feel just terrible. for months. agonizing over the decision.

depressed even. the one thing that got me up in the morning was gone. no more passion. no more fire. just gone. i had dreams. those were gone too.

what was i going to do for the rest of my life? my new major? undecided works…i’ll be undecided, because that’s realy what i am right now. UNDECIDED. my brain in a war with itself.

i miss having a passion. general ed is boring. math 253, woo. writing 1, boring.

one class makes me happy. the one and only. it’s 4 hours long, one night a week.

sign language 21.

i could be having the most craptastic monday on the planet, barely dragging myself out to irvine on time to get there. those 4 hours roll by so fast. the drive home, even though it’s late at night and i’m tired, the drive is just awesome. literal smiles. i even ignore the music on my ipod. if you know anything about me, you know that i take my music seriously. very seriously. i don’t ignore it cuase i don’t like it, but because i’m so happy that my brain is just going 50 million miles a minute. i want to know more. i want to know the ‘boring stuff’ that no one else wants to know. all the boring facts. how? why?

wait. hold the phone. was this what it feels like to have a passion? did dance used to have the same effect?

it’s been so long, i don’t remember

it is possible?

am i out of my slump?

had i found my new passion?

you know, i think that i had. how could it have been this all along and i had never known?

i finally know what i want to do. sign. american sign language. deaf studies. deaf culture.

then my logical mind takes over. i could NEVER possibly make a living out of this. i couldn’t. is this just my heart longing to claim something that it latches on to the closest thing? maybe it’s just supposed to be a hobby. something i teach my kids. something i use occasionally in life. it’ll come in handy. valuable skill - growing field.

but it makes me happy.

i should just go for it. just do it. what harm would it do? go amy, do it. don’t back down. have a spine for once. decide what you want and do it. do what makes you happy.

so it’s decided then. i’m going to do something relating to ASL. i believe that it’s now my passion. my mission in life. sure, i’m a little behind on the track now, but i can do it.

i woke up this morning and felt a little more complete than i did yesterday. this is right.

this is right.

i apologize if you read this all the way through. this purely was just brain vomit. typing whatever come up in my head. no filter. i’m a terrible blogger.

wow, just realized that i hadn’t played an iilwy (omgpop) game at all yesterday.

maybe i’m not as addicted as i thought. i’m still gonna play a game or two before i go to bed.

okay, maybe i am addicted.

I think I have a problem. I think I think too much.

(via lovehopehate)

I hear you. Common problem…when this happens to me, I just revert to naptime. Fixes the problem!

this is a common scene from my daily walks.

at times like these, i love aliso. i love my secret walking path that not a lot of people know about. it’s beautiful.